Stutter Sleeping

It's a good thing he's cute.

Start. Stop. Start. Stop. Start. Stop.

Affectionately known, in my book, as STUTTER SLEEPING. Of which I am a queen and this is my nightly routine, thanks to said cute boy at top of this post.

Stutter sleeping. Take last night for instance. Up once with Jackson at 3 something because he wet the bed. He said, and I quote, "The bee was chasing me." {And I responded to myself, "I wish the darn bee would have left you alone because maybe, just maybe, I'd be sleeping right now."} And this was actually a good night. You see, the night prior, I was up FOUR times ... monster in the bedroom ... had to go potty ... thirsty ... just wanted to give me a hug. And this, is more typical of my nightly sleep -- or lack thereof -- pattern.

Interrupted sleep is of the devil. I promise.

I admit it. I was spoiled. I want my nights back. Effective immediately. No, effective 2 years ago please. You see, Maddie was a dream sleeper. I think at 4 months she began sleeping through the night and has ever since. Honest. She always got up early, which I'm not too fond of, but at least my sleep was straight through. No stutter sleep involved.

And then, Sir Jackson came along and .... well ... he brought interrupted sleep to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL. Let's just say I haven't received un-interrupted sleep for any length of time for YEARS. There was a brief moment of time when he was just learning to sleep through the night, at around one-year, and then he got sick and since then ... well, I think you get my drift, right?

I used to think it was rather sweet. You know, he and me, me and he, snuggling in the rocker at 1:32am ... and again at 3:57am ... and also at 5:02am ... and now people, I'm not so much into that. As much as I love my little bud, I could stand to be away from him each night for at least 7 hours. And then I want him right back in my life. I promise.

For years now, I've not been on my A game. And I think, while it's hard to function on some levels with little sleep, I'm still able to do bigger things without sleep. Take for instance my March speaking engagement. That particular night I went to bed at 11pm, and Jackson was up FOUR, yes, count them FOUR, times that night, and then I was up at 6:30am, and on the way to speak to a group of 80 women. And, it went fine. I think when you're used to going on stutter sleep you can roll with the big things because you know you just have to push through for a few hours and then the event is over.

But what makes me sad and frustrated and disappointed, is the fact that if I were to label myself right now, I think I'd call myself a snapper. You know, a snapping turtle. {We're way too into turtles in our family.} I'm fine for awhile and then "hello grumpity-grump-grump." I just feel like so many days my kids get my B Game ... Reality, probably my C Game. And I hate that. I want them to have my A Game. I want them to remember me as fun and happy and full of joy and life and quite frankly, of late, I think I've been the complete opposite of all those adjectives.

I've lacked patience. I've been grumpy. I've snapped on ridiculously unimportant things. I think 3 years of stutter sleep has finally caught up. And I'm just weary and tonight perhaps feeling just a tad bit sorry for myself. {And I have to say that I absolutely know I'm not alone in this. From other moms in the midst of the same stuff, to friends like Denise who have lived on 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night for the last several years, pulling together a doctoral degree.}



So today, at 5pm, I loaded the kids in the car and took them through a drive-through for supper {bad, bad mommy} and to a park to play {good, good mommy} ... and then home for a scoop of ice cream ... {bad, bad mommy. However, I needed to feel like we ended the day on a better note than when we started. The ice cream, while they loved it tremendously, was more for me than them.}

And I MADE them pose for this cute little picture because I just had to see them through non-weary eyes, for the joy they really are. They just didn't feel so much like joy today between 3 - 5pm.
But thank goodness tomorrow is a new day ... and I'm hopeful that maybe, just maybe, Jackson will sleep all the way through tonight. It's 8:45pm and I'm headin' to bed now ... so maybe, if he wakes up in the twos, I will have had 5 hours of stutter-free sleep. One can only HOPE. P.S. I do love them VERY much. I mean, I would DIE for them I love them that much. But some days, they test me.