The Art of Learning To Reflect
I'm in my fifties now and I'm learning to be reflective
AND
I'm UN-learning destructive habits and patterns of behavior.
I think we all want to,
in some fashion or another,
feel as if we've arrived.
We're all better,
thankyouverymuch.
All done being stretched.
Got it all figured out.
Completely healthy.
Moving on.
It's our pride; we are loaded with it.
Or our desire to prove we have what it takes.
Our insecurities pop up at the most inopportune times, don't they?
Or maybe it's past wounds driving us to our masks.
In reality,
none of us has arrived.
(And yes, that last sentence IS,
in fact, correct grammar.
We want to say "none of us have arrived.
But don't do it.)
If you're anything like me,
you've behaved a certain way.
Thought a certain way.
Lived a certain way.
Your default IS a certain way.
We are creatures of habit.
Auto-pilot has done a very fine job,
OR,
perhaps it hasn't.
My natural bent is future thinking.
By nature I'm not reflective.
I'm out ahead of you,
and myself,
by about 5 months/5 years,
dreaming and planning and wondering,
historically taking very little time
-if any-
to reflect.
2021 has brought with it a determination to incorporate
reflecting into my weekly rhythm.
I NEED to learn from last week so that this week I'm growing
and stepping into the work that needs to be done,
breaking some of my default ways of living in this world.
I NEED to sit in what happened yesterday
so that I don't repeat those same unhealthy patterns today.
I'm working through The Next Right Thing Guided Journal
and I can't even begin to tell you how helpful it is.
Do yourself a favor and go buy it if you struggle with reflecting.
Answering questions like
"What was life-giving this month?"
and
"What was life-draining this month"
have been instrumental in helping me figure out
what I'm thinking and feeling
and where I'm messing up
and,
where I'm actually doing well.
Or good enough.
By the way,
good enough counts, friends.
Someone needed to hear that truth.
I say recovering because I think this side of heaven
I'll be struggling with the brokenness in my heart
that hates disappointing others.
Like, HATES disappointing others.
I'd rather you be so FLIPPING mad at me that you could spit fire in my face
than you be disappointed in/with me.
There is NO comparison in my head.
I'll take your rage over your disappointment.
100 out of 100 times.
Weird, right?
But so true for me.
The past few months have brought with them varied opportunities
to disappoint others.
And, I found myself completely undone.
On numerous occasions.
Like, undone to the point of me actually saying to myself,
"There is NO way my thinking right now is healthy.
I am allowed to disappoint others
and it doesn't have to affect me like this.
I've needed to name my hurts and disappointment and sadness
and I've been keeping a list of things I'm learning in this season
and thought I'd share a few.
Maybe this will resonate with you on some level?
*It's not selfish to prioritize my own mental health.
It's healthy and right and necessary.
*I can share hard things with my people.
It's healthy, actually,
even when it's VERY tempting to keep it bottled up inside.
*I can change my mind or change my position on something.
I'm allowed to grow. And change. There's no shame in that.
*I'm allowed to be weary.
And in my weariness,
I'm allowed to step away or set up healthy boundaries.
*I cannot control how other people react to my
feelings/thoughts/decisions.
*I'm not responsible for everyone else.
I'm responsible for me.
Well, and keeping my kids alive,
so I guess I'm responsible for them?
*Hard does not equal bad.
*I can't please everybody. I just can't.
*Trying my best is enough.
*Sharing how I think/feel is very hard
by I can do hard things.
*I have to root out the lies I tell myself
and replace them with the truth.
God's truth.
About who He says I am.
God's truth.
About who He says I am.
I can promise you this.
If I hadn't been journaling,
I wouldn't have paused to reflect.
I wouldn't have paused to reflect.
To grow.
To replace the lies I tell myself with the Truth God tells me.
I think that's brave.
And hard.
And if I can do it,
you can, too.
What are you learning?
Or un-learning?
Care to share?
Are you naturally reflective or more like me?
I think it's in our sharing our struggles
that transformation can happen
IF we allow it.
Let's sit across from each other,
realizing perfection isn't the goal
and isn't attainable anyway.
But growth can be a goal.
And un-learning unhealthy can be a goal.
And together,
in my book,
is ALWAYS the goal.
Together is better.
It really, really is.