You've Gotta Start Somewhere, Right?
Not this past fall but the one before, my friend Catherine and I were talking about the fact that at some point we might need to go back to work, once our kids are in school full day.
For me, one of my favorite parts about being a stay-at-home mom is that I get to set my schedule. I come and go as I please. Yes the work is constant - as in twenty.four.seven - but, I love the flexibility. I love the spontaneity that I can incorporate into my daily life. I LOVE THAT.
So the thought of going back to the work world where I get a couple of weeks off over the entire year, some of which are chosen by an employer, just is so NOT appealing to me any more. I could do it if I have to, but I so don't want to have to go that route.
Instead, I've been dreaming {and really, this dream began early on out of college} of doing my own thing. So back to the conversation that Catherine and I were having 2 falls ago. I shared that I would love to do something creative, where I could set my schedule. My own business that I could dream up on my own. And then I shared that I had no idea what that could be, and without skipping a beat she said, "You should do photography."
Really? Hmmm. Hadn't thought of that, amidst all my day dreaming. And so began the dream of maybe doing that as a business.
And so today, I had my very first Photo Shoot. NO WAY. Yes way.
Catherine emailed me a couple weeks ago and said she had this friend that was looking for a photographer to take some pictures of her boys, and would I like to do that?
I said yes. Let's start this ball rolling and see where it ends up. Maybe nowhere. Maybe somewhere.
And talk about nervous. Okay, I am fine getting up in front of hundreds of people talking. I'm fine with whatever really. I'm just not the nervous type. At least not as an adult. I remember as a high-schooler I finally had to stop running sprints (100m, 200m) because I was so nervous and sick to my stomach that I just couldn't handle it. About killed me. But that was then, and this is now. And I'm typically not nervous.
But all week I've been nervous about this photo shoot. And it's funny because last year, when Julie did her first photo shoot she was totally nervous and I was like, what is there to be nervous about dear friend. Just go do what you do. They'll love the pictures. I promise. And they did. But I didn't understand her nerves. But now I do. I mean, I felt sick to my tummy all day long, even right up until I introduced myself to Karen.
The nerves soon left and before long I was chasing these three, adorable, active boys around, trying to get snapshots of their day-to-day life. Wanna see a glimpse?
I think I took about 400 pictures. No seriously, I'm not exaggerating.I imagine the nervousness was in part because I didn't want to fail. This dream has been brewing for a couple of years now, and the thought of actually stepping out and trying seemed very frightening. Because I didn't want to fail. Ya know? And, I also didn't feel confident in my camera. I will be soon. But just not yet. Because this opportunity came out of nowhere, and fast, I just had to run with what I knew, even though that left me feeling incompetent. And perhaps that's what I needed to get myself motivated to really get in there and learn the ins and outs of the camera and all the technical stuff. To be honest, that technical stuff intimidates me like CRAZY. I mean, I can't even work our VCR properly. And here I'm going to handle this intricate piece of equipment.
But I think I can do it. I HOPE I can do it. {There's that word again.} But you know, I'll be so fine if this doesn't work. Because if nothing else I'll love it always as a hobby. But it just feels so amazing to just inch toward a dream of being creatively entrepreneurial. Ya know?
Karen, the lady who gave me a shot to try this dream out today, was SO sweet. When I came in, the first thing I said was, "Now Catherine told you I'm not professional, right?" And then I stumbled into the next sentence; "And you're my very first ever photo shoot. You know that, right?" And in such a gracious way she just said, "You have to start somewhere, right?!" She was so positive and encouraging and reassuring. She set me right at ease.
As I pulled up in front of her home I said this prayer, "Lord, my palms are open. I'm giving You my camera. And what I know about taking pictures. And my creativity. And HOPES. And this dream of mine. And you do with it as you please. If this turns out to just be a fun hobby then I will love that. But if you have something bigger in mind for me, then I'm ready. Just open and close doors and I'll continue to stumble through."
So now I sit anxiously and wonder what Karen's response will be to my pictures. I want her honesty. I truly do. Although I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'll be crushed if she doesn't like what I gave her. But, that'll be okay. At least I will have tried. And I certainly won't give up.
Because you have to start somewhere, right?