On Turning 41 ... and my 40th Year In Review
We're sitting at the lake and it's pouring down rain. And while I love the sun, I have to say, I love the rain, too. It's cozy. It's a tad bit reflective. It brings back great Irian Jaya memories. And Camp-Aush-Bik-Koong memories. And sitting on my bed looking out my Water Street window at the river, dreaming about everything and nothing all at one time.
Maddie just declared, "It's raining and perfect for reading a book." She ran to her room, grabbed a book and is now snuggled beside me. That's a great birthday gift.
Thought I'd just do some paragraph thoughts on my 40th year:
The year of appreciating Facebook. This is going to sound dorky but honestly, I love facebook. You know why. I just can't keep up with everything. I'm so far behind in regular emails. I just get my inbin cleaned out and all of a sudden 100 more appear. Or phone calls. Or thank you notes. Or scrapbooking. Or housekeeping. Or errand running. I feel like I'm behind on a lot of fronts (that seems contradictory. get it - behind on a lot of fronts?). I can't keep up with facebook; I think I have over 30 private facebook emails to respond to ... and yet, I love facebook because it's my kind of keeping in touch. The quick - I'm thinking about you - but the lower commitment. I simply cannot keep up with everything but this makes me at least feel like I'm somewhat keeping up with people. Somewhat. And that reconnecting with childhood friends. I love it. And just popping in and out of someone's life feels good. Perhaps shallow for some. But for me, it's honestly what I can handle in this season of my life.
Friendships have been something I have treasured this year. I have my decades-old friendships that I love. Those friends that I've grown up with and wouldn't trade for the world. And then I've got the new friendships that are developing into deeper friendships. {I have a post brewing on this one. Within the next week.}
This year has been one of "High highs" and "low lows." From a huge surprise celebration one year ago this week, ushering in my 40s, to other similar parties of close friends celebrating that same milestone. To the Blackhawks' great clinching of the Stanley Cup this week {you can take the girl out of Canada but you canNOT take the hockey out of the girl!} To traveling to Nashville to see my dear friend Naomi marry. To a surprise getaway trip to Kansas City with Denise and Michelle as an extension of my 40th birthday. To Arkansas just last month for my Aunt's birthday. And what's a good year without trips to Canada - that's a given. Something I love.
And then the low lows interspersed throughout. John's unexpected, sudden, tragic death in September. Close friends struggling with major, major troubles and heartaches in their lives. And Maddie's school issues. Whew. Tears cried over the months over these and many other things. This paragraph could honestly be a whole book, with all the situations, but I'll just keep it brief by saying that hands-down, this has been the hardest year for so many people that I know and love. Whether it's cancer diagnosis or death or addictions or marriage issues or loss of employment and on and on it goes.
This year marks the year where a close friend of ours decided that she was going to choose to follow Jesus Christ. She decided she's done doing it her way, living for self and the moment. Done with 'religion' and she's now all about making her religion into a sweet relationship with Jesus Christ. Hands down, the biggest highlight of this year. Actually, the last decade.
And then this year has been the start of a dream becoming a potential reality. And that is so exciting to me I can hardly stand it. Really? It might happen? I love photography and you know, looking back over the last few decades, I've actually always loved it but don't think I knew it. When I'd go to the Art Institute in my 20s and 30s, you know where I always went first - yep, whatever photographic exhibit was showing. And then I'd meander the rest of the building. I was just reflecting on that. And since my first camera (in my early 20s) I've always loved taking pics.
My 40th year has been a year of figuring out more of who I am and how God has wired me up ... and then becoming more and more comfortable with that - with who I am. I feel like I've grown a lot this year. For those of you that have known me for any length of time, and if you were honest, you might even say that you know that I've been a people pleaser my whole life. Probably to the extreme, which isn't necessarily a good thing. In fact, it's not. And yet, this past year, I've had a real freedom from that. A freedom to be able to speak the truth, attempting to do so in love, but realizing that my audience is One. I answer to One. And my goal should be that I am striving to please God first - not wo/man first. What would God want me to say or do in any given situation? That's the bottom line.
And if you struggle with extreme people pleasing, you will know this is hard to do. You want everyone to be happy. You want to keep the peace. You do not want conflict. You want people to just get along. And sometimes you might even say things just because you know that's what the person wants to hear. But this year, I have been freed of that and it feels so good. Realistically, I still have a ways to go with this, but I see growth and that feels good.
On weight. I've lost 23 pounds to date and have hit a plateau but starting Monday I'll be going gang-busters again, getting strict with my routine. I have more to lose. I have hope that I can lose more. I know I can lose more. It takes hard work but you know what, hard work feels good.
On blogging. I love it. If I don't write it down, I don't remember it. Whether it's a huge life lesson, or something I learned from a sermon on any given Sunday morning. Or the funny little thing Jackson says in the car on the way to the grocery store. Or the personality developments of Miss Maddie ... It's gone if it's not written. So I love blogging on that level. And I love blogging because it's therapeutic. As I'm writing and revising it naturally leads to processing. Which for me is a good thing. I think through the years I haven 't always done the best job at processing circumstances or emotions or situations. I sort of plow through it, deal with it and then move on. So blogging makes me slow down and think.
On homelessness. We have spent considerable time and efforts pouring into the lives of a couple of homeless ladies and Breakthrough Urban Ministries and I have to say, that has been an amazing experience. Last summer I felt very clearly that God was calling me to get involved with the least, the last, and the lost, and then motivate those in my circle of influence to do the same. To bring them in on the journey.
On prayer and accountability. Monday nights I get together with 3 close friends and we pray and keep each other accountable with whatever it is we struggle with. And it is the highlight of my week. I love these girls. I love doing life on that level. It feels so good to be known and loved in spite of being known, flaws and all.
On mothering. I've caught myself, the last few weeks, slipping into the 'mothering is hard' thought life and I am stopping myself with that, effective immediately. I've been dreading summer and secretly have been glad that my kids are in school until June 16/18th. But the reality is, I love being a mommy and have to continue to remind myself that there are so many people in the world that would give anything to be in my situation. To have children. To be able to stay at home and not have to go to work. To be blessed with healthy children, etc. And so, the negative attitude must stop immediately. I love being a mommy. I do. And this is going to be a VERY GOOD SUMMER. You watch. {And while you're watching, PLEASE pray! =}
On shallow stuff. Umm, in the past 3 months I've decided that earrings and jewelry really do make a girl feel good. And pretty. I know, there are some of you out there thinking, "It took her until she was 41 to figure that out. Was she dropped on her head as a child?" And yet, I've been just enough of an athlete and outdoorsy gal all my life to really not care about that sort of stuff. You know, the shoes, the purses, the clothes, the jewelry stuff. But, I think I'm getting a bit of a healthy perspective on it. You know, moderation. And it really is amazing to me that just by putting on earrings and actually doing my hair and even nails, I really do feel so much better about myself. Hmmmm. Mysterious if you ask me. But this is something I learned when I was 40.
On God's strength when I am weak. This year, like none other, has been a year where I have clearly had God's strength when I am weak. And weary. When I have had no clue what to say, He has given me words to say to the hurting people around me. When I have been weary to the bones and yet crisis arose, He has given me strength to help others and at the same time get my responsibilities done.
In what I thought would be just a few little bullet points, this post has turned into a mini-novel and yet, I hope that when Maddie turns 41 she will be well ahead of me in learning life lessons. I pray that she will love Jesus like crazy and be turning to Him in the midst of whatever crisis she finds herself or her friends in. And somehow I know that she will, at a much earlier age, understand the importance of earrings, jewelry and purses. Because since the age of 2 she has had frilly skirts down to a science. And just last Thursday as we were heading out to the car I noticed that she had bright red lipstick on. Hmmmm. That doesn't seem right. But catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror she confidently declared, "I look good in dark red lipstick. It suits my skin color." OH MERCY. This mothering thing is hard. Err, ummmm, I mean, "IT'S GONNA BE A GREAT SUMMER!!!!"