Mommy Daze

For whatever reason, things of late have been really REALLY hard with Maddie. Like, super hard. As in, she's driving me IN.sane. Sassy. Talking back. Snippy. Attitude. I find myself frustrated beyond belief.

Honestly, I can't even believe the nerve she has to say some of the things she says. And eye rolling already. Are you KIDDING me?

And so I think, what have I done wrong? Where have I failed? Why does she not respect me? I mean, it's a bit out of control. And if truth be told, I'm dreading the summer with her, because the days are LONG and there are a lot of them in a row. I'm really dreading it. Really.

So I'm sad tonight. And scared. I mean, if this is how she is at the end of second grade, what will she be like in junior high? I can't even go down that road of thinking because if I do, I think I'll run away. Truly, it's terrifying.

I feel panicked; like I've somehow lost her already. And I know, the reality is I haven't. It's probably just some stupid phase we're going through. She's had a terrible year at school. She's hated it. So I'm sure this is some bi-product of that. Who knows. I really am at a loss.

And so I sit here tonight feeling like a failure. Feeling like I can't even control my own kid. Feeling like I really don't even like my own kid. Love her - absolutely. Would die for her. And yet, somehow, it's hard to be around her because I end up getting so frustrated by her.

And so I have to come up with a strategy for this summer. Some structure. Some expectations and standards. Some boundaries. Some rewards and consequences that somehow speak to her little heart.

Saturday night I went in, after she was sound asleep and sat on the edge of her bed and rubbed her back and smoothed her face and just quietly sobbed. And sobbed. I hate feeling so frustrated by her. She's in 2nd grade for Pete's sake. What is my problem? I'm in unfamiliar territory - sort of like I felt when she was first born - like I had no idea what to do and it's throwing me for a loop.

I'm hopeful that once school is out and she can get outdoors for long periods of time, that maybe she'll settle down a bit. Maybe we'll get into a good routine that works for us. I want to have hope but if I'm honest, I kind of feel hopeless tonight. And I hate that feeling.

I don't know. I guess I spew all this just to continue to be a blog that's real. That's honest with shortcomings and failures and frustrations. I'd so covet your prayers.

She is such a sweet girl. We got a letter today from Florence, our World Vision child that we sponsor and Maddie was so excited. She opened it and read it aloud and instantly started saying, "Okay, Florence says she likes music and dancing so what instrument could we send her in a package? And, I wonder if she's learned her abc's yet now that she gets to go to school. And some day Mommy, I will got to Nigeria because I just must meet her and see where she lives. I have to."

And it's in moments like that where I'm reminded that I haven't completely failed. I've done some things right - probably a lot of things right. And yet, my heart is heavy tonight as I begin the laundry and finish the supper dishes and put away the mounds of winter clothes that we weeded from her room.

And reality says and always holds true, that this too shall pass. At least that's what my mom says. And then I think, why don't I send Maddie to my mom for the summer? She'd straighten her out. Better than I can for sure! But I guess God gave me as Maddie's mommy and she needs me ... and so we'll figure it out. Somehow. With God's help and His grace. And I will cling to the fact that He can make me a better mommy. And He can help me figure Maddie out. And He can also help Maddie to be more obedient and respectful.

He can.

I cling to Him - my HOPE.